A fool speaks!

Trust.

It is a word that has oft left me in endless introspection at various points in my life. My opinion of it remains fluid and has been the source of my fluctuating personality through the years. I feel  I am at cross roads again - thanks to the recent circumstances that has pushed me once more to evaluate my thoughts about it.

In my formative years, my relationship with it was too simple - Don't trust anyone because it leads to attachment which in turn is a threat to independence. So I grew up - detached from vicissitudes of relationships as I made it a point to develop none. Heaps of accomplishments, mainly academic, conveniently shielded me from the world of emotions peeking behind it which I refused to acknowledge. I told myself "I shall never put myself out there!".

Exactly ten years ago, a moment of introspection occurred. When my mom passed away, the most prominent thought on my mind was the fact that I had never let her know that I was capable of responding to her love. That is a regret I know I will carry to my grave. Thats when I decided to enter the world of emotions, expressions and relationships! I knew very well a rose and a thorn were not very far from each other. I wanted to experience them both. I opened myself. Became vulnerable. Gave trust the chance it deserved!

It has been a wonderful ten years of learning for me! Being cautious is an innate trait of mine that will never depart! So I had to consciously push myself to give everyone their chance. And I did. I had been an open book for almost a decade! Now I know who form the part of silver lining that will always line the darkest clouds in my life.

Of late, the irony is - I am considered a fool for speaking my mind and letting everyone see through me! I refute and I guffaw back at them with my learning and wisdom acquired through these years "My dear fools, its not me who has lost anything! Each time you made yourself not worthy of my trust, you have sowed and the watered the seed of mistrust in yourself. Having manipulated someone's trust has made you so scared of being able to trust anyone else! You anticipate someone else to betray your trust like you betrayed someone else's. You are the one who is going to live a life constantly watching your back while I move on to the next source of joy or sorrow!"

If only each one of us could trust others more and be more trustworthy!!!!!

Yes, the discrimination very much exists!!

We have folks to write, opine and debate about discrimination based on colour, creed and gender. But I have seen none who would even acknowledge this discrimination!


This discrimination, like charity, begins at home. My parents could not understand how on earth I became like this. If you would ask ‘em – “Have you ever thought about putting her for adoption?”, they probably would have replied “Every day till she went away for her college”.

If I try to use fancy term like it is congenital and have been wired like this, they unanimously raised eyebrows and pointed their finger at my younger bro – who was not like me
Having been convinced by parents and relatives that this affliction of mine is indeed very unusual and indicative of something else and has to be cured at any cost, I even approached folks who I presumed to be qualified to address this problem of mine. Funnily, they could not even see what is the issue and worsened the situation by claiming it was nothing unusual. Of course, unlike folks at home and those on their side, these qualified folks did not sound so convincing and some even tried to state things in a pretty diplomatic way – hardly unequivocal. I was torn between having to trust folks at home or by the words of those eminent folks. I chose to go by the latter as it was convenient for me. Anyway, I had already found a place in the golden book of family history even before I came out of my teens. This claim to fame is all I ever hear just after my name whenever I happen to be in a congregation of these folks who happen to share few genes with me - the critical mass requried for this event being number of folks greater than 3.


Fast forward to college days – situation did not improve; thats when I realized the majority of universe was indeed discriminating against people like me; One look at every rule conceived – reeked of the mockery of our handicap. We never thought it was handicap but the world around us kept re-iterating the same. But I could not give up my identity just like that; Sometimes I ignored the names that were hurled at me by those who called themselves my friend; Sometimes I had to resort to pathetic excuses like “Spectacles broke and there was no point of being here without the same” when dealing with folks who wielded authority (It was fun coz the look on their face would have thousand questions on it – Did you really wear glasses??). Luckily for me, the academia I was at did not believe in being a totalitarian and was quite accomodative as it believed in its younglings! It used to be quite amusing the way all our club work used to go about – they were probably the only ones who were least bothered by this side of me as long as we were on track! Except for funny names few coined, rest was not quite unnerving at the end I should say!


Then came the corporate life – the time when I thought I could finally be myself; Well, being part of an IT company, this perceived disability should hardly be a hurdle for being a productive employee and hence policymakers would not make much of an issue about it - thats what I thought! Au contraire, the effects of having the trait was used as the most common way of showing who is the boss!!! It does not matter you are in no way any less than those who were fortunate enough not to be afflicted with what I have! It did not help that I got into a project which required prison of an ODC and there went the WFH option out of the window which would have helped me escape from the mocking glances of people around me everytime I entered ODC! Sometimes, it was really advantageous for establishing the credibility of team as the clients were able to get a solution with the least turn-around time! The counterparts at onsite were the ones who really seemed to be pleased with me for this thing which used to make me the odd person out otherwise!


I dread everytime I receive a mail with the subject “Official Work Hours”. It does not matter to these heartless folks that I stay at workplace longer than quite a number of folks but like a grain of sand in their eyes, what bothers them so much is that my swipe-in is past 9 AM!!
YES – I CANNOT WAKE UP EARLY! The only way I can watch sunrise is when I don’t sleep till then! So what -If I sleep the best between 3 AM and 9 AM in the morning (and keep sleeping pretty cozily till 10 AM if there is nothing to stop it), I also work the best even at 2 AM in the night!!


PLEASE STOP THIS DISCRIMINATION! Just because we sleep late and wake up late – we do not become qualified to become a member of ‘Oversleeper’s Anonymous’ community in Orkut. We are no lazier than those who gets irritated by lights after 9.30 PM coz thats when they go to sleep and wake by 5 AM in the morning! Please understand and accept we are humans too – with a wierd bio-rhythm, thats all!


:D

PS - Crossposted on Wipro blogs!

Twelve Angry Men - A Charming company!

I don't look favourably upon nostalgia; I believe its a waste of time to reminisce about the glories of past when present could be made more memorable by doing something worthwhile in that time. But there are times when I lose out on this resolve - thanks to black and white movies!

Yesterday night was one of those moments when a thing of past wowed me yet another time :)

I had watched "The Man from Earth" a month or so back based on a recommendation. The same source had recommended "Twelve Angry Men" as well. I decided to watch 1957 version y'day.

The plot - twelve jurors debating over what seems to be a sure-shot verdict in a case involving an 18 year old kid accused of stabbing his father and thus causing his death. All jurors except one had decided to pronounce the verdict of guilty. The movie , on the periphery, is about the efforts of this one juror in convincing the rest that it is not a sure-shot case as it seemed to be based on the court proceeding.

But - what the movie actually represented for me was a case study of twelve different characters with their various personalities, their beliefs, motivations and their insecurities that drives them to their decisions! The characters are set up beautifully with their reactions and emotions giving clues about their prejudices. The fact that it takes one man to point to others that they are letting their unquestioned beliefs in deciding about someone's life (not many realize what a huge responsibility that is) makes me question about all those assumptions that we have made and all those things that we have taken for granted that has let us to conclude this is how a life is to be led. Not only have we all accepted things considered as acceptable by society in general for ourselves but we do want others to follow the same yardstick, don't we? Maybe we do need Juror# 8 in our lives occasionally to view things differently!

Stepping away from the philosophical influence the movie had on me, the other thing I enjoyed immensely about the movie was the attention to details - whether it was about the depiction of the fact that humidity precedes a thunderstorm (the characters are shown sweating profusely) or Juror # 10 sharing his verdict of not guilty by the move of his head because he had been asked to shut up earlier.

From the reviews on internet, I can see this is a popular movie (now I know why). But if you have not got a chance to watch this movie yet, please do take some time out to relish the same!

Twelve Angry Men

PS - Cross posted as a FB note

Yet another time

A cat supposedly has nine lives. My blog should probably have zillion lives considering how fickle I am. Combine that with laziness - you have a weapon of sure destruction. It comes with a self-destruct feature too - unfortunately :|

I love writing - I find it therapeutic. The process of analysing the clutter in my head and finding something worth to share with the world is a joy ride although a bit consuming. The result is also a bit akin to a time machine as it helps me time and again to understand the way I have been metamorphosing thru my years on this planet.

My recent stint as a business analyst enables me to do just that thing for which I have an immense love for - translating the perception in my head into an articulated document. I am done with using only computer languages :) One can't get very poetic with those :) The relief one gets when scrambling thru words and finding the appropriate one to use is priceless and if someone compliments, it gets quite orgasmic :) One feels validated for the efforts spent.

So - here I am - on this page - yet again. Wonder how long this tango shall last...

Two to tango!

I simply don't like insects; But the way these two flitted about each other in mid-air was too engaging even for an insect-phobe like me.

And a close-up of one of them! Yuck!

Cream, butter and hips! :P

Description of sway of hips of a voluptuous woman from a story by Isaac Asimov. The stupid grin on my face took a while to vanish :P.


"...for she was indeed magnificently convex. She also had a narrow waist, and generous hips that swayed as she walked and even as she stood. If her pelvis had been full of cream, it would have been butter long since".

My li'l Miss Sunshine!

She is the reason behind most of my smiles these days - my little Miss Sunshine - my darling niece!

No wonder my friends say I should not think much!!!!

Its one of my not-so-useful-but-still-may-be-pertinent-sometime-to-someone theories – that travel as an interest is mostly a sugarcoated expression of one’s desire to escape his or her current present - a need to be a guest instead of host – expression of need to escape decision making – the desire to divest personal accountability in the process of realizing and retaining personal happiness – an intention to identify and retain difference between self and folks belonging to different places.

In light of aforementioned deducing, is it possible for someone to become traveler to a place where they actually belong and currently not residing but still have not yet been devoid of that piece of her/his identity which was contributed by the place? Can they be really amused as a traveler who is stepping on its soil for the first time and there is not even a single similar thing in common with the locals of the tourist spot? Will the experience of hospitality that is to be received be the same or will there be a partiality?

I always feel a pinch of bitterness whenever I happen to travel to any place where folks of the same ethnicity I belong to happen to be the majority. Predominantly, the experience may be pleasant (yes, Money is indeed quite powerful in extricating humanity buried deep inside every human but will not be shared unless coaxed by powerful stimulant like money) but there are times when I have wished that I had been completely different.

For one, I totally love the experience when I do not understand the language spoken at the place. That way, I will not get to know if I am being manipulated which may happen in few cases. I wouldn’t want to know if I am being dealt the short end of the rope. Another aspect of it – I really can do better than the real impressions made by me on the locals. When a local passes by and makes a comment on how he fantasizes you, one cannot cease the reaction gushing from inside – could be positive or negative but definitely unwarranted.

And when you have to share the attention of host with someone else, you pray fervently it better be not a ‘firangi’ – esp in Indian context.  Well – what to do in such circumstances? Oh – just be a better dost to firangi than your host. Yep – anything to make the travel experience worthy of a queen.

Maybe I need to introspect if I should be more open-minded with respect to few stray incidents encountered during my travel experience while traveling within the country but cant help wonder if I am really onto something here J

And hence these ramblings in a blog!