Trust.
It is a word that has oft left me in endless introspection at various points in my life. My opinion of it remains fluid and has been the source of my fluctuating personality through the years. I feel I am at cross roads again - thanks to the recent circumstances that has pushed me once more to evaluate my thoughts about it.
In my formative years, my relationship with it was too simple - Don't trust anyone because it leads to attachment which in turn is a threat to independence. So I grew up - detached from vicissitudes of relationships as I made it a point to develop none. Heaps of accomplishments, mainly academic, conveniently shielded me from the world of emotions peeking behind it which I refused to acknowledge. I told myself "I shall never put myself out there!".
Exactly ten years ago, a moment of introspection occurred. When my mom passed away, the most prominent thought on my mind was the fact that I had never let her know that I was capable of responding to her love. That is a regret I know I will carry to my grave. Thats when I decided to enter the world of emotions, expressions and relationships! I knew very well a rose and a thorn were not very far from each other. I wanted to experience them both. I opened myself. Became vulnerable. Gave trust the chance it deserved!
It has been a wonderful ten years of learning for me! Being cautious is an innate trait of mine that will never depart! So I had to consciously push myself to give everyone their chance. And I did. I had been an open book for almost a decade! Now I know who form the part of silver lining that will always line the darkest clouds in my life.
Of late, the irony is - I am considered a fool for speaking my mind and letting everyone see through me! I refute and I guffaw back at them with my learning and wisdom acquired through these years "My dear fools, its not me who has lost anything! Each time you made yourself not worthy of my trust, you have sowed and the watered the seed of mistrust in yourself. Having manipulated someone's trust has made you so scared of being able to trust anyone else! You anticipate someone else to betray your trust like you betrayed someone else's. You are the one who is going to live a life constantly watching your back while I move on to the next source of joy or sorrow!"
If only each one of us could trust others more and be more trustworthy!!!!!
It is a word that has oft left me in endless introspection at various points in my life. My opinion of it remains fluid and has been the source of my fluctuating personality through the years. I feel I am at cross roads again - thanks to the recent circumstances that has pushed me once more to evaluate my thoughts about it.
In my formative years, my relationship with it was too simple - Don't trust anyone because it leads to attachment which in turn is a threat to independence. So I grew up - detached from vicissitudes of relationships as I made it a point to develop none. Heaps of accomplishments, mainly academic, conveniently shielded me from the world of emotions peeking behind it which I refused to acknowledge. I told myself "I shall never put myself out there!".
Exactly ten years ago, a moment of introspection occurred. When my mom passed away, the most prominent thought on my mind was the fact that I had never let her know that I was capable of responding to her love. That is a regret I know I will carry to my grave. Thats when I decided to enter the world of emotions, expressions and relationships! I knew very well a rose and a thorn were not very far from each other. I wanted to experience them both. I opened myself. Became vulnerable. Gave trust the chance it deserved!
It has been a wonderful ten years of learning for me! Being cautious is an innate trait of mine that will never depart! So I had to consciously push myself to give everyone their chance. And I did. I had been an open book for almost a decade! Now I know who form the part of silver lining that will always line the darkest clouds in my life.
Of late, the irony is - I am considered a fool for speaking my mind and letting everyone see through me! I refute and I guffaw back at them with my learning and wisdom acquired through these years "My dear fools, its not me who has lost anything! Each time you made yourself not worthy of my trust, you have sowed and the watered the seed of mistrust in yourself. Having manipulated someone's trust has made you so scared of being able to trust anyone else! You anticipate someone else to betray your trust like you betrayed someone else's. You are the one who is going to live a life constantly watching your back while I move on to the next source of joy or sorrow!"
If only each one of us could trust others more and be more trustworthy!!!!!
1 comments:
Can't agree more with you dear! But it does pains a lot when the trust is broken...It always leaves me wid the question tht shud i learn frm dis and nt trust any1 like dis again..bt me being me again ends up doing the same mistake...and it goes in cycles...
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